Setting boundaries with In-laws

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ,

Before I start, I wanna tell you something. I used to stay with my mother-in-law and it was not easy. A few months back she went back to her home town. This time has allowed me to reflect on why things didn’t work out between us.⁣

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She isn't a bad person. Her intentions were innocent. I’ve seen MILs who are downright intentional in messing up the DILs' lives. That was not mine. The problem was I was way too broad-minded and she was not educated and didn’t have basic life knowledge.⁣

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I’d never let anything unfair happen to her, I chose to respect her. But I have come to accept I will respect her more when we have a healthy distance between us.⁣

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K? Now that that’s outta the way, I can tell you about my story without you getting a negative image of my MIL.⁣⁣

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Today I wanna talk about a specific incident: The evening chai.⁣⁣

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Before marriage, I hated making chai for my parents. Like Ew. I’ll do anything except make chai.⁣

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Then came they day my husband’s family came home with a “rishta pakka” talks to my place.⁣⁣

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That day I made chai for them 6 times!!!!⁣⁣

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Dude, who drinks chai so much??!!⁣⁣

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My husband’s family. That’s who.⁣⁣

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Cold feet hit. Not because of the “How-will-I-live-with-this-boy” fear but from “I-have-to-make-chai-everyday???!!” fear.⁣

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And Of course Allah tests you with what you hate most.⁣⁣

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Thus from there on started my chai saga.⁣⁣

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Make chai in the morning after breakfast.⁣⁣

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Make chai in the evening at 5.⁣⁣

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Make chai when guests come.⁣⁣

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Make chai when you have biryani.⁣⁣

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You get the point….⁣

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You know people say the more you do something the more you get comfortable with it?⁣⁣

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Nope, that is NOT true for chai. ⁣

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I can’t tell you how many times My husband and I have fought.⁣⁣

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The first 6 years of our marriage to be exact.⁣

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The worst part it that I didn’t make chai for my husband. I made it because I was scared that my mother-in-law would start an emotional fight. And to avoid that, I used to put myself through things I hated.⁣⁣

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Somewhere 6 years into marriage, I was forced to work on my midset for the business. Isn’t it funny how we try every strategy out there and then come to work on the mindset?⁣

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To manage my emotions during launches, I started learning about being mindful of what triggered me. Alhumdullilah it helped with launching and a WHOLE LOT of other personal matters.⁣

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In this case, I got mindful that making evening chai was triggering me. Not the morning one, not the guest one, not the biryan one. But the evening one.⁣

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Like I’ve been up since morning making sure I’m impeccable in all I do with faith, family and work and after 3ish I’m exhausted. I’d like to not see the kitchen for a few hours.⁣⁣

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I had felt this for 6 years every evening (sometimes ofc someone else made the chai and I used to have a rush of relief wash over me). But I wasn’t mindful enough to pick on it.⁣

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And for 6 years I kept doing it and messing up my internal energy every day.⁣

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Have you realised how many things we do in a day subconsciously that mess up our energy? Like clockwork.⁣⁣

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Like we are so used to the habit, that we can’t differentiate what good, aligned, intentional habits are from toxic, pressured habits.⁣⁣

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Can you stop for a moment and reflect on one good, aligned intentional habit that you do everyday? I hope you found atleast one.⁣⁣

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Anyways, to get away from the "feeling" every evening I wanted to go out with my husband. Sometimes my getaway looked like nonstop scrolling on social media.⁣⁣

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Now that I identified the problem, I couldn't live with it anymore. I had to make a change.⁣

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With all the courage in the world and countless “rabbi shrahli wa yasirli….”s. I sat my mother in law down and my husband and said⁣

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“Ammi, Ji(Because I can’t call him his name in front of her. That’s a story for another day), please understand how my mornings up until afternoon are. I try my best to give all of you everything you need while also taking care of my work. By evening I am exhausted and don't like going to the kitchen to make chai.⁣⁣

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When I do, my whole mood gets spoiled and as a family who lives together I think it's important for us to share what is tiring for us.⁣⁣

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Rather than keeping it in and having a bad mood every evening, I though it was better I share it with you and I know you will understand. In sha Allah, can either of you make the evening chai please? “⁣

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So nicely I communicated it no?⁣

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Ha! No use. All hell broke loose. 😂⁣

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Here comes the emotional “Who talks like this and says they can’t cook” and the “What work does she actually have all day” and the “How hard is it to make chai” talks.⁣

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My husband was also a bit off because I spoke so directly.⁣⁣

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PS: Although Alhumduiillah is a good man, communication in Muslim families is so not cool. Alhumdullilah I'm happy with time he recognized this.⁣⁣

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I was this 🤏🏽 close to throwing up. Man, it’s really really hard to stand up for yourself.⁣

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At that point, I was so angry with them. How can they not accept this??⁣

How can they say this “after everything I have done for them."⁣

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But today I realize. It was new for them too. Change.⁣

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And as the person asking for the change I have to give them some space and be patient with them. Especially with my mother-in-law. It could go either way sure. But making harsh decisions right then in an emotional state is what we women are experts at.⁣

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I’m teaching you (after learning from many many mistakes) to not lose your ground at that moment nor get emotionally angry at that state.⁣

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Yes, I did get angry and reacted (which I’m over now) but I still stood my ground and didn’t change my decision. Because I wanted to be happy all day every day. That’s a goal I had set for myself at the start of the year.⁣

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The next day came and I didn't go to the kitchen at 5 PM. The amount of effort that took to sit in my room, LAWL! I’ll never forget.⁣

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Nobody had chai that day.⁣⁣

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Or the next day.⁣⁣

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Sure I made extra awesome food and maintained my role as a good wife and DIL all day. But at 5 PM, Kulsum said “No”.⁣⁣

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She said no for herself.⁣⁣

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Fifth day after loads of arguments my husband explaining to my MIL its ok for us to make it, my MIL finally went and made chai and the next day my husband.⁣⁣

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It was a breakthrough moment for me. Not because I don't have to make chai at 5 p.m. But because I stood up for what I wanted for me while also being fair to others.⁣

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Big revelation: Everyone is a bully. Unless they can’t bully because you stay calm and stand your ground.⁣

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That one shift gave me the following skillsets:⁣

> Decision-making that’s fair to me and others.⁣

> Energy preservation by saying no and setting boundaries.⁣

> Confidence in learning to trust self⁣

> Building Boundaries⁣

> And a practice ground for bigger circumstances that would require, decision-making, trusting self and energy preservation by saying no and setting boundaries.⁣

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You and I are people who want to be respected, and love growth while also managing healthy boundaries with family. Because we know this allows us to live to our highest potential.⁣

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But most of the time those toxic daily habits become so ingrained in our life that we aren’t able to live that highest self.⁣

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I don’t know about you, but when I’m not living up to the potential I know I’m capable of, I have this “Something is missing feeling” that makes me slack in all areas.⁣

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And to overcome that feeling I read a bazillion books, invested in tons of programs and hired a lot of coaches to know what makes me (The Muslim woman) tick and what lights me up. Chances are you and I are similar like crazy.⁣